Just As I Am

Can you believe that tomorrow I reach 8 months as a missionary?! It is crazy to think that I have been here that long. Some days it feels like it was only yesterday I decided to go on a mission.....but it was almost a year ago that I received a note from Aunt Amy telling me she and Jake would provide the way for me to go if it was something I wanted to do. Then began in internal battle and the decision was made quickly that this is what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Even though I fought tooth and nail. Even though I wasn't the most excited or willing to obey this call, He was patient and continued to lift me higher until I was able to feel the love and have the desire to be here. 

There are a lot of scriptures I've come to find that talk about different stages or kinds of depression and discouragement. Prophets that struggled with fears and disappointments. I have come to see I am not alone. I have come to understand that I have many gifts and even though I struggle, or I could be doing better and staying more focused. It is okay, because my heart is in the right place. I have a desire to do the Lord's work and I strive to learn more and become better daily. 

Some of my favorite scriptures right now all have to do with how much the Lord loves us and how He will support us throughout our trials on a day to day basis. Alma 8:14-15; 26:12&27; 36:16-21, 27; and Helaman 10-2-5. Each of these have proven to give me strength in the last few months as I have tried to understand if I am doing all I can and if my efforts are of worth to the Lord. 

Last night as I prayed I found myself asking Heavenly Father what I can do, what He needs me to be so that I can feel His love and feel as though my efforts matter and are worth something. I began asking things like, "do you need me to be smarter, bolder, skinnier, prettier, more patient, more obedient, more, more, more....I'll be whoever you need me to be." Then it came to me, through my tears I felt something stirring. I felt as though I was being silly asking these questions. 

Heavenly Father asked ME to come here and serve Him. ME. Sister Hopkinson. He asked me co come, just as I am. Of course He wants me to never be complacent, but He loves me and appreciates me just as I am. He is willing to make me stronger, and to help me develop, but ultimately He called me to be ME. He doesn't want me to give that up and be someone else. 

Even though things get hard, and I don't necessarily know why I'm so sad or frustrated or happy or why I just want to cry...like all the time. I have come to know that Heavenly Father loves us individually and He knows just what we need. Every moment of everyday. He knows how to lift and carry us to the next station of life.

I've been learning a lot about patience in the last year. Mostly patience with myself. Patience that Heavenly Father knows what He wants me to do and that I AM capable of doing it. I have learned that I have absolutely NO clue what the best things in life are, and more than that, without Heavenly Father, I would have NO way to achieve or receive them. Heavenly Father has taught me that it is okay to struggle. After all, my track record for over coming bad days and hard times is 100%. I have NEVER failed in His eyes. 

Smile, for today is another gift from your Loving Father in Heaven!