Just As I Am

Can you believe that tomorrow I reach 8 months as a missionary?! It is crazy to think that I have been here that long. Some days it feels like it was only yesterday I decided to go on a mission.....but it was almost a year ago that I received a note from Aunt Amy telling me she and Jake would provide the way for me to go if it was something I wanted to do. Then began in internal battle and the decision was made quickly that this is what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Even though I fought tooth and nail. Even though I wasn't the most excited or willing to obey this call, He was patient and continued to lift me higher until I was able to feel the love and have the desire to be here. 

There are a lot of scriptures I've come to find that talk about different stages or kinds of depression and discouragement. Prophets that struggled with fears and disappointments. I have come to see I am not alone. I have come to understand that I have many gifts and even though I struggle, or I could be doing better and staying more focused. It is okay, because my heart is in the right place. I have a desire to do the Lord's work and I strive to learn more and become better daily. 

Some of my favorite scriptures right now all have to do with how much the Lord loves us and how He will support us throughout our trials on a day to day basis. Alma 8:14-15; 26:12&27; 36:16-21, 27; and Helaman 10-2-5. Each of these have proven to give me strength in the last few months as I have tried to understand if I am doing all I can and if my efforts are of worth to the Lord. 

Last night as I prayed I found myself asking Heavenly Father what I can do, what He needs me to be so that I can feel His love and feel as though my efforts matter and are worth something. I began asking things like, "do you need me to be smarter, bolder, skinnier, prettier, more patient, more obedient, more, more, more....I'll be whoever you need me to be." Then it came to me, through my tears I felt something stirring. I felt as though I was being silly asking these questions. 

Heavenly Father asked ME to come here and serve Him. ME. Sister Hopkinson. He asked me co come, just as I am. Of course He wants me to never be complacent, but He loves me and appreciates me just as I am. He is willing to make me stronger, and to help me develop, but ultimately He called me to be ME. He doesn't want me to give that up and be someone else. 

Even though things get hard, and I don't necessarily know why I'm so sad or frustrated or happy or why I just want to cry...like all the time. I have come to know that Heavenly Father loves us individually and He knows just what we need. Every moment of everyday. He knows how to lift and carry us to the next station of life.

I've been learning a lot about patience in the last year. Mostly patience with myself. Patience that Heavenly Father knows what He wants me to do and that I AM capable of doing it. I have learned that I have absolutely NO clue what the best things in life are, and more than that, without Heavenly Father, I would have NO way to achieve or receive them. Heavenly Father has taught me that it is okay to struggle. After all, my track record for over coming bad days and hard times is 100%. I have NEVER failed in His eyes. 

Smile, for today is another gift from your Loving Father in Heaven!

What is Christmas?

We have had a great week of getting to know you's and working hard. Our big focus here in Owego right now is the Less Active members. We have been seeing them and trying to help them grow in their Testimonies and it has been so amazing to see how reading from the Book of Mormon and talking about it together, taking no more than 20-30 minutes out of their day, has really help and strengthened so many people. The Book of Mormon is amazing!

I have been thinking a lot this Christmas Season and have been reflecting on "the True Meaning of Christmas". I was blessed growing up knowing that Christmas isn't about the gifts we receive, it is about Christ's birth and about giving gifts to others as He would give to us. On my mission these last 6 month's, I have really come to understand Christ's Atonement and how we can't focus on that, without recognizing that the Birth is crucial to His death. 

In the Christmas Devotional last week I loved how Sister Oscarson quoted E. T. Sullivan, who said: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn't stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born. … And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.” Christ came into this world as a helpless baby, just as we all do. He then had to learn and grow, "line upon line, precept upon precept". He went through temptations and suffering, as we all will, and He overcame death so that we could all do likewise. Everything that Christ is is what we should be striving to become. His birth represents the Beginning, it represents humility & love, Joy & peace. Christ represents Life everlasting, and He represents all we can become as we turn our thought, actions, and hearts over to Him, not just at Christmastime, but all through the year. These gifts, and feelings of love for all mankind should be what we feel daily, it shouldn't be a "once a year event".

I have come to truly understand why He chose this path and why He has been with me though all the good, bad, and hard things I've gone through, and that reason is simply because He loves me. He wants to see me smile, He wants to be that Friend I can count on and turn to when I feel so lonely, or far from home. He has so much to offer each one of us, not only those of us who have chosen to be baptized and accept Him in our lives, but for those who don't know or understand it yet. He wants us to learn and grow and help our friends to see this joy too! 

Recently I read this talk https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/10/what-are-nonmembers-interested-in?lang=eng and have really learned how much I could have done in my life and in the lives of my non-member friends. I really wish these "secrets" you learn on the Mission were things that I knew before....but I guess that's part of why I'm out here. It's to learn and become better, and then to #sharegoodness ;) 

I Love this Gospel and I KNOW without a doubt in my mind that it is true! I know that Heavenly Father Loves us and that is why He send Jesus Christ to the Earth to Atone for our sins. I know this Mission was the best, hardest decision I have ever made and I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

What have I done?

I climbed into my be at 9:30 hoping to get some much needed sleep, only to toss and turn for about 2 hours. I finally decided to give up and do something productive while I am unable to sleep, so I finished an assignment, sent some emails, checked my Facebook, etc. Now here I am at 1:30 realizing I have school in the morning and a test I'm not ready for and all I can think about is my meeting with my Stake President tomorrow/tonight. I have finished all of my paperwork, I went and had a physical, got all my dental work finished, and met with my Bishop. I am one step away from being able to go on a Mission. I am so excited!!

Yet at the same time I am terrified. All I can think about is how insignificant I am. I'm not good with words and even though I can talk to people and make friends pretty easy...I can't talk to random strangers. I keep thinking back to times my Non-Member friends would ask me about the Church, and all I could do was say "Its what we do."  I am not ready to go serve full time for a year and a half and teach other people about this Gospel. I don't know everything yet, I can barely stay afloat as is. How am I supposed to show someone, and teach them. I can't do this! This is going to be hard work! It is going to be long days, filled with frustration, fear, anxiety, and tears. I have no idea where I will go, I have no idea the language I will be asked to speak, I feel so small and inadequate to even attempt to be going down this new path in my life.

Why am I going through with this? What am I doing? Who do I think I am?

The Crossroads

I have found myself at a crossroads in my life, and have the opportunity to finally open myself to a new adventure and let myself flourish. I have always been very concerned for those around me and though I still am, I have realized I need to find what it is that will make me happy.

I am the second child of 8 and was the first to go to school. My parents have always been able to provide for me and help me to pay for my expenses while I have been at school, however in the last 8 months my family has fallen on hard times. Due to this, I have become responsible for paying everything myself; my housing, my books, my tuition, food, and any other misc. things that come up. I am now going to school and working full time to stay on top of all my bills (which I recently calculated to be just shy of $850 a month). I am an accountable person and am willing to do whatever it takes to help my family and keep myself afloat, however, it would be nice to be able to easily afford my housing, tuition and hopefully be happy at the same time.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is what I can do to move forward and focus less on the negatives in my daily life; to see the mini miracles God has been giving me. I have been wrestling with the fact that I am not happy and have been fasting and praying to know how to move forward and where my next adventure awaits me. I have had many Priesthood Blessings, each telling me I already have been given my answer and I need to begin listening. So I'm really trying to open my Spiritual ears to understand what I have been told.

On the morning of Monday, February 10th (has it really only been a week?!) after fasting, praying, and receiving another blessing for guidance, I received an email from my Aunt Amy. She and her husband Jake were in Provo dropping their oldest son at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) to serve a full time 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in the Czech/ Slovak Mission the week before and I had gone over to see him off. Amy told me in her letter, that as she and Jake had left they began thinking about me. She told me she didn't know why, but she needed to tell me that if I wanted it she and Jake would finance me to be able to serve my own mission. This was the answer I was looking for.

Amy and Jake didn't know it, but when I thought about going on my mission last fall, I ultimately decided against it because I couldn't afford it. With school, work and my credit cards I need to pay off I am still unsure of how it is all going to work out. However, I know that even within the last week (still really weird to me) God has blessed me so much because I decided to listen to His guidance and comforting Spirit. I went ahead and made the necessary appointments I need, and I moved out of my apartment (to live in my newlywed brothers spare room) as well as going to visit the temple and continually praying to figure out my next steps. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it is going to be worth everything.

There is still so much for me to do; I need to sell my contract, finish the paperwork, somehow make it to Alaska to renew my Drivers License, file my taxes, pay off my 3 credit cards (this in and of itself is a daunting task), figure out where I will take out my Endowments, not to mention school and the classes I am currently enrolled in, and so much more. I have no idea how I will accomplish these tasks, or when I will know my next step, all I know is God is with me and He is taking care of me and my family. My storms may be many, but I know that with God and my Savior Jesus Christ anything is possible. I just need my little seed of faith, for soon I will have a great garden where I will be truly happy and loved by my Master. Where I will be welcomed home with open arms saying "My daughter, I knew you would make it. You have done well my good and faithful servant. I love you and am glad you are finally home."

There are going to be many times throughout my life I will look back and see the many crossroads I have passed through and I am so glad I am learning now how to listen to the Lord and follow Him so I never will wonder if I chose the right path. I will be able to look back at my life with gratitude and joy as I see the memories and blessings given to me because of my faithfulness. I will always be grateful for the trials and struggles I go through because I have the knowledge that God is with me and He knows not only what is best for me, but He knows all I can handle.

Change and the Unknown

  I have begun to think a lot about the things in my life I have, as well as the things I have been through this year. It has been an extremely trying, hard, stressful and worrisome year.

  My family has been through many things, most of which I don't actually have details or knowledge about because I'm in Utah not Alaska. Long story short, my family lost their business, sold all the cars, all the "stuff" from the house and anything they could get some money out of. My parents and siblings finished remodeling the house, and put it up for rent while they moved into our 32 ft RV (Mom, Dad and 6 kids).

  While this was happening in Alaska, I was in Utah with my older brother, who came home from his mission November 2012. He met a girl and I was caught in the middle of their courtship, neither one wanting to screw up. They decided they were going to get married at the end of August and so we began the planning. The family came to Utah mid Aug. and we all (full family of 10, and my brother's then fiancee) drove to Oakland, in the RV, for the wedding on Aug. 26, 2013.With my brother now married, we came back to Utah just in time for me to begin Fall semester at BYU, while my family moved on to Idaho to take my 18 year old sister to BYU-Idaho for her freshman year.

  I have never been one to enjoy change or the unknown, yet in September, I was thrown head on into a new life and I felt myself spiraling out of control. I felt no stability, no comfort and all I could think about was everything  that had gone wrong. My family has been struggling and they are no longer financially stable and I can't do anything to help. My best friend just got married and now I am alone again and have no one to talk to. I can't get a steady job that will pay enough to stay living where I am., however, I had been counseled and shown I needed to stay at my current apartment, even though I couldn't afford it as comfortably anymore, but there was still something I need to learn so I stayed. I am unable to receive my FAFSA due to complications and I have no idea how I am going to cover my expenses.

  Here I am now beginning November and I am looking to see the things in my life that are good. Looking at the little miracles God has given me and looking forward to how I can change and help others around me. I have a great job working head of student security on campus and am keeping busy in my church calling as Relief Society 2nd Counselor, as well as going to school full time. My three random roommates have been a new and different experience, but one of the girls and I have become very good friends. I have managed to find someone willing to buy the end of my contract, and am now in the process of finding a new place to live.

  I have everything I NEED, now I am just working on understanding that I AM ENOUGH. I have the things I need an life and IF I can put my trust and Faith in my father in Heaven I will be able to see myself through his eyes. With his guidance, I will find myself and see where I will be able to go from here. As I continue moving forward and picking up the pieces of my seemingly shattered life, I will find the happiness and joy I am looking for.

Roommate Agreement

One of my favorite TV shows is "The Big Bang Theory". While watching this show the other day, I found myself thinking about Sheldon Cooper's Roommate Agreement. I know Sheldon is crazy, and his agreement seems kind of out there, what with the Godzilla clause, and the idea that “Leonard will name Sheldon as his sidekick if Leonard obtains superpowers”, things like this seem to make the idea of a roommate agreement laughable and crazy. However, the more I have been thinking about it, the better having one of them sounds.

I have been at BYU for the last 2 years and during my freshman year alone I moved three times and had very different roommates and experiences. Being away from home and out of my comfort zones, I have found I have MANY pet peeves. I also have things I look for in an ideal roommate. As this semester is working its way to a close (though it can’t seem to come to an end fast enough), I have been thinking about where I will live next year and the things I would change and want to address with my new roommates. As I have been thinking about these things, I decided I would start putting these "terms" onto paper. I will be adding continuously, but for now I will just put some of my pet peeves and things I will be trying to implement.

1.       I truly hate dirty sponges/ rags/ scrubbers. When they get dirty, just throw the sponge away or wash the rag. I do NOT see the need to keep them sitting wet and molding in the sink or on the counter.

2.       After a week, why can’t we just throw away the leftovers you are NEVER going to eat?

3.       Why should we divide the fridge/ freezer? There is no possible way to divide it equally for 6 people.  I think this idea is silly. If I want to buy food, or you want to buy food, just put it in the fridge wherever it fits. I am all for that. I like having a full fridge and having the butter, syrup or other condiments available to share.

4.       If we are going to have communal items; i.e. Toilet Paper, paper towels, dish soap, hand soap, Clorox wipes, cleaning supplies etc. We need to have some kind of rotation for replenishing these items. And everyone that used these things NEEDS to help and take their turn producing these things.

5.       We need to have some kind of apartment calendar in the front room; on the fridge, hanging on the wall etc. So that if someone plans on a party or if they have someone coming over for the weekend everyone is aware and we don’t have multiple things planned for the same night.

What kinds of things would you add?